Between You & Me, the holiday season often represents a period of love, joy and union. However, it is often overlooked that for many, this season is one in which we experience grief. Grief is an emotional response that can take different shapes and forms, from romantic heartbreak, closure of a phase in our lives, or the physical loss of a loved one. It can even be seen in the lack of holiday decorations as you drive by neighborhoods, their usual glow becoming dimmer by the year. It’s around this time, when the most love and gratitude centered holidays take place like Christmas, some can’t help but struggle to have a jolly time when they are surrounded with constant reminders of the love they lost, or the lack of spirit around them.
During holidays, life has a tendency of playing her yearnest game, we crave the warmth of a hug, the intensity of a kiss, the caress of sweet words wrapping our hearts.,Yet, we often forget that love is a double-edged sword, a source of both sublime joy and profound pain.
Based on recent studies from the book written by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, “On Death and Dying,” at the end of any relationship, there are seven stages of grief we go through: denial, guilt, bargaining, depression, an upward turn, acceptance, and meaning.
Even if we are surrounded by people, opening presents, or just sitting by the Christmas tree, grief makes you feel like you’re lonely, like no one in the world understands what you feel. Loneliness is a time when we feel detached from ourselves; our mind lingers on the love we were left with, the wounds, the dreams, and the “what ifs.”We can’t help to ask, “why now and why to me?” That’s when we greet the first stage, denial. Our minds are so shocked by the turn of events that apart from missing the presence of the one we lost; we also grieve the version of ourselves that manifests with that person. It leaves us with the question: “what do I do now?”
“So long sad times, go long bad times”
While we try to pick up the pieces of us after being wrecked with such news, it takes time for our hearts to accept what our mind already knows, that’s where guilt creeps in. That nagging voice in our head bombarding with phrases of, “I should have done this,” “maybe I overreacted to what they did” or “why didn’t I hug them tighter that last time?” We make scenarios in our heads to help us cope with the idea that we could have done something to prevent our relationship from ending. These doubts put us into a spiral of regret, anxiety and even shame, making one wonder “was I the one who failed?”
“We’re heading ‘cross the river soon your cares will all be gone” – Happy Days Are Here Again (Barbara Streisand)
When we reach the stage of bargaining, hundreds of theories pop into our heads, feeding our delusion of some sort of re-connection or an unfinished cycle lingering between us and the person we are missing. Like the red-string theory, the belief that an invisible unbreakable thread connects destined partners, even after a loss. The worst part is when the theory starts making sense, as life toys with our emotions by having constant reminders of them: a car, a scent, a song, or even a color, and it makes us believe the other person is pulling the red string, WHEN IS THIS EVEN GOING TO END!?
“You better chase all your blues away”
The process slowly starts turning from red to blue, from anger to sadness, and that melancholy is what guides us to the next stage, depression. In every second of our day, our brain does nothing other than reminisce and repeatmoments that we know are hurting us. It cages us in this limbo of sweet moments that turned bitter. Memories that used to make us smile now bring us to tears. It’s the holidays, “the best time of the year” yet, every time we close our eyes, their eyes are still there, as well as their smile, their hair, their presence.
As writer C.C Aurel wrote, “now I have to remember you for longer than I have known you.” These memories keep us afloat in an ocean of sorrow and gloom in which we try so hard not to drown. Which bring us to the next question, “will this emptiness ever fade?”
“…your cares will all be gone. There’ll be no more from now on”
After a voided period gradually, we begin to emerge from that empty state.We feel a little more hope, and the intensity of grief begins to lessen. We play into the chill in the air, hum to the tune of Christmas music on the radio. This stage is known as an upward turn, a stage in which ouremotional state shifts for the better and we drift from the intense emotions that sunk us. This phase is a relief; we begin to find ourselves again and for the first time in what feels like forever we feel somewhat content. Grief is not linear, and by no means is this process over We begin to shift our perspectives from merely surviving to living again, we think, “how do I continue to heal?”
“The Lord is waiting to take your hand, there’s no one who can doubt it now”
Life begins to feel like life again, we reconnect with our passions, begin to recover our confidence, and we believe again in ourselves beyond what we went through. Instead of fighting those ghosts, we slowly open the door and welcome them as a part of us. Rather than “let your heart be light, our troubles will be out of sight” some stars will always be in your sky, distant but glowing. It is when you reach the stage of acceptance, where they can never burn your heart again.We acknowledge this lost love and submit to move on and prepare us to greet the final phase, “what has this lost love taught me after all this time?”
“The skies above are clear again”
Finally, we reach the final stage in our woe, finding meaning. When the demons make peace with our mind and soul, we can look back on everything that we went through as a lesson that contributed to our process. Rather than pain, we feel amity, undisturbed by what used to break us, as it has turned us into a stronger, better version of ourselves. Every tear is now replaced with a smile; every troubled thought is now a moment of wisdom and development. As many say during these merry timesall is calm, all is bright”. With the new year just around the corner, there’s just one more question left to ask: “What is next for me in this new chapter of my life?”
“Let’s sing a song and just get happy of cheer again… happy days are here again!”
